The tantrum I created

Yesterday we went for an evening pic-nic by the lake. L. loves the lake after the holidays ("mare, mare" = "sea, sea") and watching the sunset from the lake side is a lovely way to take advantage of these last summer days.

When it was already past his dinner time Luigi went to get take-out pizzas.
L. was busy - chasing swans, running through swarms of mosquitoes, meeting strangers, falling down steps. And fishing rocks out of the water and throwing them back in, his favourite.

I knew it was getting colder and he was wet, but resisted the urge to change him into a dry diaper immediately and I limited my self to warn him that I would to do it before pizzas arrived.
I waited.

Until Luigi came back with the pizzas.
I told him, I change your diaper while the pizza gets colder. First the diaper, then the pizza.
He threw a huge tantrum, kicking and screaming and crying. I stopped, validated his feeling, waited a bit. Eventually, I tried to offer him a small bite while I was changing him. But he didn't accept it. The kicking screaming went on until Luigi helped me putting the diaper on in a way that was all but respectful.

When we were done and we gave him his pizza, he calmed down immediately. We ate together and he chatted away while the light and the lake turned from orange to blue.

But I kept thinking - why did I change his diaper? He was obviously tired and hungry, not able to cooperate.
I try. To acknowledge, to wait. But also to be firm during transition, to follow through.
These last two are much harder for me, so much that sometimes I am much more firm than what is needed. I was blinded by my idea of having to have him dry before dinner.

I just had to wait.
Wait. The magical word. Step back a little, a little more.

Say "yes" instead

"The leaves stay on the plant. I see you want to play with the plant. Come, let's water it toghether". Or simply "The leaves stay on the plant" instead of "Don't remove the leaves". If he doesn't stop, phisically move him and re-direct.

Until they are 3 more or less they can't understand that they are not meant to do something because is "wrong". And often they act on impulses that they can't understand. Calmly, confidently, respectfully set a limit and then re-direct.

"You want to throw. Blocks are for building. I get you your balls. You can throw your balls."

Short, simple sentences. And let's be prepared to repeat them. Infinitely many times.

"(I don't want that you run inside). Running is for outside" rather than "Don't run".

"Just for looking / hands behind your back" instead of "Don't touch". 

Feedom within limits. We say "yes" to the behavior but "no" to the contest.

"The plate stays on the table" rather than "don't throw the plate" 

or also 

"I see you are finished. Give me your plate, please".

 Let them experience consequences (consequences. Not punishments).

"If you throw the plate again, I understand you are finished and I will take it away".

I try to ask myself
1) Is the no really needed?
2) Often, a particular behaviour is a consequence of an internal need. How can I meet that emotional need? When and where is this an accepted behaviour?

"We don't hit. I won't let you hit." and more "I see you are angry. Here, you can hit this pillow instead".
"I see you want to spit. Come, let's spit water in the basin"
(Very useful skill for tooth-brushing!).

I also try to avoid flat out "NO".

When possible, I replace the no with STOP or ALT, followed by a brief explanation.
Or I set them limit in first-person.
"I won't let you touch the oven. It's hot. It's dangerous". Firm, but calm, and kind. And repeated. If he keeps going, physically remove him.

There is nothing wrong with "no", but I've decided to save it for the real dangers. And to do it consistently.

I also try to remember that no matter how few the no's are, toddlers will challenge them, test them, to test the limits of the world, to test we can be confident, strong leaders. 
It's a vital need for them, they are not challenging us personally, definitely not manipulating us.
Let's offer them those limits they crave for.
And let's accept that they can, and will, protest.
Lorenzo has the right to strong reaction. Especially when he's not verbal yet and can't explain himself.
I will try to:
- be calm, be confident, be the adult.
- be present. Acknowledge his feeling. Give him the words he's missing ("You wanted to rip apart the leaves. I didn't let you. You are frustrated").
- Contain him. Physically, if he lets me. Being besides him otherwise. Welcome him throughout his reaction, make him feel he's still loved, no matter what.
- Recognize my right to strong feeling. "I need a minute to calm down. I'm in the bedroom if you need me".

Long post. In summary:
- Riformulate the forbidding in a positive way.
Rather than tell him what he can't do, tell him what he CAN do instead.
- It's a basic concept in communication. A marketing student would sell this post way better than me.
"Don't walk on the street"
Which image is planting in our head? In mine, a street.
What about "Walk on the footpath"?

Reading:

Janet Lansbury RIE blog / books
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

Don't interrupt - then why?

Yesterday morning we were enjoying the usual weekend cappuccino. Lorenzo didn't want to sit with us, and went playing with his xilophone. It was a present of his uncle, a proper instrument, and he much prefers it to the wooden one, since it's way more noisy :-)
He can't open it (it's difficult for me as well) and always ends up frustrated in the attempt. Not yesterday. Yesterday he was happily playing with its retractable legs. So I stood up from the table, I went over, and I opened it for him.
He started his music production immediately obviously, but I wondered - why did I do it?
My intervention was uncalled for and unneeded.
The overly passionate "don't-interrupt!"-advocate (me) anticipated his desire to play and his frustration but, in reality, interrupted his real activity in that moment.
It's not easy to see clearly sometimes!

Basilico

One of the key principles advocated by Maria Montessori is to use only a “positive discipline”.

Easier read than done - what does it *really* mean?

But then, last week.

Last week Lorenzo climbed up the table in the living room, pulled the table runner and began to rudely  play with the basil plant he could now reach (we haven't adjusted the safety to his standing skills yet). Rather than telling him another “NO”, rather than moving the vase higher, I showed him how to touch the leaves gently, with his fingertips.

And to my very own surprised, he understood. He climbed up the table many times, and many times he touched the basil. Softly, with his fingertips.

Trying to replicate with a plant :-)

I couldn't get that on camera, but incredibly it worked twice (picture above).

I won’t dream of him doing it every time. He’ll forget. He’ll want to discover the consequences of his behavior, my reaction, the noise of the vase smashed on the floor.

But Lorenzo lives in the desperate need of discover the world. And, sometimes, he just needs to discover new ways of doing that.

And for us, as parents, what is more beautiful, more rewarding that teaching him to do that with marvel and respect?